Trail and Error

It’s been a few months now since I’ve last been to an appointment with my doctor. I’m not sure of the precise number of days/weeks/months since my last appointment, but I know it has been less than six months, and it has been such a mixed time.

Since then, I’ve managed a number of achievements, as well as some let downs.

For example, I’ve managed to put on half a stone – which I find to be such a good achievement since I’ve been struggling to put any on for many years now. I’ve also managed to get eight hours sleep at least once a week, as well as managed to get enough encouragement and motivation to go outside and see people. To socialise.

The let downs – well, they’re different. I’ve been able to control my thoughts during the end of the appointments to the first few months after I finished them. I’ve been able to stop myself getting so distressed. So much so that it feels like my head might explode with thoughts – many going too fast for me to catch and decipher.

That had been fairly good, however, now I’m finding that I’m slipping back to where I can’t control them. I can’t silence them and stop the noise which they bring. To stop the feeling that my brain might explode with the sheer noise that follows.

To be honest, I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to stop this. For not being able to make this be gone – permanently. This OCD – the thoughts ebbing away at you and making you feel like the world is on fire. Although, logic suggests that it can’t really be my fault – I’m trying to stop  blaming myself.

I was told this condition was a life long thing, that I would need to go back every so often to relearn how to cope. To challenge myself. Yet I know I don’t want to go back so soon. I’m not the worst I’ve been and I can still manage somewhat.

We mustn’t take short cuts in life. We mustn’t constantly lean on others to pull us through the rubble of destruction that we all suffer. We have to learn to fend for ourselves, and not keep going back when you know you can deal with this yourself. When you know you have so much fight left to give.

These last few months of discharge from my support team have been challenging. There have been trails and errors. But I’m going to try and battle through it. I’ve had more good days than bad recently, even if they are nearly cutting the fine line with one another.

Trail and error. If, in another few months, I do crash and need support – I will go to it. I suppose the trick is recognising when that time is. I still don’t know, so I guess I will have to conduct research on how to recognise when you need help again. Often we forget and don’t realise how far we’ve slipped, until one day you’ve snapped. So catching it before it’s crisis time is essential.

We learn over time. I’m going to try and implement the tricks I was taught during all of those sessions. To resist my compulsions, to confront obsessions and tell it to f*ck off. That’s what you do with a bully after all, and OCD is a bully within ones mind, one that pretends to be a friend.

I suppose what this post is really about would be that – we all have times of trail and error after finishing courses of treatment to help ourselves. It’s not a linear recovery. You don’t just finish your CBT, or therapist sessions and have a cure for life.

There are times of ups and downs, and you mustn’t let the down times destroy and distort the times of good. There will be times you need support, and there’s no shame in that. But we all must try to help ourselves if we can. We must all use the skills we’ve been taught, and implement them in a way to make our lives better, and to help us all feel better than we did when we started treatments, like CBT. And if we can’t – then maybe it is time to lean on support again, to rehelp yourself.

The last few weeks have been quite challenging. I had a day in which I was so distressed that I didn’t know if I would scream or not. One would be a fool to think such days don’t come back and happen again. It was a day in which all the stresses of the last few weeks had built up and broke me. It made me crumble.

A mistake. Instead of building it up again, I should have talked to a friend. Took a few days off work to have time to myself. Before it was too late, and before that day of breaking down came around.

Thankfully I had a friend who tried to help me through it. She kept messaging every once in a while just to check in and talk. So, if she reads this, she knows who she is – thank you.

Trail and error – everyone goes through it. In time, we learn to see the errors we have made in our times of trail. I now am trying to recognise when I’m building things up. Even if it is a difficult thing to try and recognise. I’m learning that I should aim for eight hours of sleep to feel better, instead of five. I’ve learned, through error, that I need to actually eat in order to physically feel better.

It’s all about trying. The only failure you can make is if you don’t try to get better – that’s purely because if you don’t try to get help, or help yourself, you won’t ever get better.

So yes, we all make mistakes. But if you learn through them, then you must be doing something right. I will finish this post on a quote from a wonderful man, one who also suffered his own trails.

“Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results”

-Albert Einstein

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