It’s one in the morning and I can’t sleep.
Seems to be that a lot of posts which I write seem to come into creation in the early hours of morning. Truth to told, that’s when I seem to finally feel some lull in life to get to write. Even though I go to work exhausted in the morning.
The topic is different than usual, although I will try to stick to some common ground. My first issue to address would be why I can’t sleep, however. This is for various reasons; I can’t sleep because of the thoughts which are facing through my head, as well as the argument which is keeping me up.
The thoughts, first of all, are everywhere. If your mind were a room, you could imagine a bouncy ball which never stops bouncing off the walls,the ground, the ceiling – everywhere. There is no peace, calm – breathing space. You become captivated and surrounded by the biggest distraction in the room – the ball (thoughts), and you find yourself unable to turn away from it as it causes chaos in the room.
The thoughts are mixed. As usual. I have the part of my mind plagued by obsessive-intrusive thoughts, as well as the negative thoughts which swallow the small amount left of you, after undergoing the torture of the OCD:
”You’re not good enough. Weird. Annoying. Won’t get anywhere in life. You’re going to fail. Pointless even trying. Don’t talk to your friends, they don’t even like you. They’re just tolerating you”.
I’m very tired, mentally and physically. I’m tired of being tired, of complaining about it so, I’m tired of battling with one half of my mind which is irrational and bullied by intrusive thoughts,as well as the other half which is beaten down with negativity and low self-esteem. To the degree that you don’t know which thoughts are truth and which are simply bullies to beat you down. The panic attacks don’t help either.
On a Tuesday in October, I finished my treatment – The CBT and exposure therapy. I’ve managed to get this far, I challenged myself while with my doctor. Although, perhaps not enough. It’s not been a month yet to the day, and I am already feeling a sharp increase of intrusive thoughts – to the degree that I have formed new obsessions, as well as new compulsions in order to deal with them. I am trying to battle it and challenge myself, however, the distress is rising and I found nothing is helping it.
One thing which is definitely not is the physical surroundings. I think that I am very heavily influenced by my surroundings. When a room is tidy so there’s no clutter laying on the ground/on chairs/beds, I can feel myself feel mentally clearer. I can focus – breathe. I’m not obsessive about it, however, I do like things neat for that clarity which I get.
Unfortunately, I do live with a slob. I share a room with my sister who doesn’t even consider tidying – she has ‘no time’ to fold a shirt and put it away, which results in a pile of clothes on the ground/floor or bed. As well as shoes all over the floor/notes/post/make up.
She’s a typical, if very messy, young woman.
I hate it. Not her, obviously. I simply hate the fact that she is too busy to consider that I tidy the room for a reason. I have explained this to her in front of a counsellor when there was a family session, therefore, she is aware of the fact that my physical surroundings can stress me out and make me feel very anxious.
It breaks me, I will admit it. It is something so small. However, imagine cleaning a room to a good standard and having someone come in and just toss their clothes and notes all over it again. Putting their shoe marks on your clean sheets as they tie their laces, and leaving used tissues over the floor.
Her laziness in regard to my comfort, and a small degree of neatness has made me consider moving out several times, and I’m sure my work colleagues are sick of listening to me tell them how stressful the whole situation is.
Thus, the topic has inspired me to – eventually, in the future, get around to writing a post about how the physical surroundings impacts mood and illness.
It’s nearly two and I still can’t muster myself to sleep. There is a whirlpool of thoughts in my head which won’t stop – I keep obsessing over the safety and health of myself/friends/family and it’s making me feel horrid.
My doctor told me he expected me back eventually. – OCD comes back to bite us, as he stated. However, how soon appears like I haven’t tried? I want to challenge myself, however, I feel that shell of fear and being lost surrounding and consuming me on a daily basis. Positivity is a hard thing to be when you can’t stop feeling so negative internally.
Barely two weeks and a half since I last saw my doctor, someone please pray that I can last longer.
Although, one positive note is that I have been eating breakfast everyday, as well as 97% of dinners. Some progress. I will write more on how eating breakfast has actually helped a bit at some point.
I need to try and get some sleep for work tomorrow, although I doubt I will get more than five,as usual.
To everyone else, please try and implement positive thinking. Even if it sounds so basic. Or at least, try and think of one good thing a day.
– Paula x
More information on OCD: