I went on a short (Or long, depending on how you view time) hiatus there. I feel like I needed it.
This week has been a rough one, for no specific reason. It has felt like the longest and shortest week at the same time. I don’t know if I am relieved or agitated by it. To be honest, I’m too tired to really give a damn.
This post will probably be a very uneducated, waffling post, so please try to excuse it. I can’t really think at the moment.
90 words in, good so far, however, hardly anything inspiring, especially considering that other blogs, and also novels have quite a lot more than that.
Nothing really has caused this downturn of emotion. Although, I have noticed a hyperawareness during these times, as well as no awareness. Currently, a fog has gathered around me. Within the fog, too much thinking occurs, and not enough positive emotions to break through it.
In novels, the characters always seem to have their own personal fogs, and someone always seems to come and guide them out of it. When you’re in a fog, you don’t see that, and it’s easier to push deeper in that fog than to trust anyone to try and do so. I know that it’s quite bothersome at the moment because I can’t even force myself to paint or doodle. I can’t even find myself the energy to go and find the cat and sit with her.
Time has been passing much too quickly, I will be in work, and the next moment, I find myself at home, curled up around my phone, or a book and just reading. Half the time, I don’t even take in the words. No prompting or reaction – much like prodding a statue and, obviously, getting no reaction. Then, I have to read the book again because I realised that I’ve gotten to the end without so much as learning the plot.
Maybe it’s boredom. Boredom gets people down, doesn’t it? I’ve lost communication with a lot of people since things have been getting worse, which makes sense. I’m no use to them when I struggle to even get up for the alarm in the morning. Especially with conversation – I take this blog as an example, when reading it, you probably think ‘whine, whine, whine’. Complaining again, no surprise.
To me, it’s more ‘words, words, express’. They are words blurted as an attempt at self-expression on this blog (most likely a poor representation, I would avoid myself too). In real time, they are also ‘words, words, words’. I feel rather hopeless at conversation, most of the time, I prefer just sitting, shut up, in silence – then, no one can point out flaws or irate the mood further. Sometimes isolation feels rather key. While also rather dreary. I do hate it, but I’ve learned to live with it.
“Words, words, words”, as Hamlet quoted. He says three things, all of the words the same, and yet they are quite powerful. Words, words, words – no context. They are what they are: words. The statement has no relative information, nothing which would be engaging, but simply an automatic response which gives the desired effect of filling a silence. It shows a response when the speaker has no energy or clear state of mind in order to provide context – excitement, enjoyment. Enthusiasm and passion.
Nothing to strike the listener or readers chest with emotion and cause such a sentimental outburst that they understand, or want to. It shows a guarded person, someone who is thoughtful but not outwardly spoken.
In that term, I quite recognize myself in Prince Hamlet, although I have not murdered a fellow who was hiding to spy on the conversation. Nor have I, and I hope not to, ever been stabbed in a fencing duel, and poisoned in the plot of my uncles quest to conceal the murder of the king (Hamlets father) which he committed, in order to take the throne. (I might have pulled out of a little fog there for a moment, I’m a little bit passionate about Shakespeare and it gets a reaction sometimes).
However, yes, back on track. How I’ve been feeling: off from my previous alrightness which I had been feeling some time ago. Lost, especially with people. It’s easier to block the world out than to engage in it, however, when the world passes you by and you miss it all, you really do kick yourself.
Demotivated. Getting out of bed in the morning is a terrible struggle. I can barely even get the energy to turn the alarm off. It’s not due to laziness mind, I can’t seem to sleep until half one or three in the morning, then also getting up at 7/8 really doesn’t help.
I do love work, I find it very enjoyable and it does give me purpose. Otherwise, why would I fight to keep myself busy? What little energy I have is going to be pushed into work, seeing as I have nothing exciting going on outside of work. And even if I did, depending on the mood, I mightn’t even go. Sitting watching TV is an effort- and you don’t even need to do anything for it. It’s exhausting to be exhausted physically and emotionally constantly. Sometimes it makes me laugh at how silly it is for me personally, not for others.
I’m trying not to let the down emotions harm my work – especially as it’s a placement. I’m just going to have to force myself, like I do everyday, to get out of bed, as I find, personally, sitting about only makes me feel worse. Which might be why I feel worse in the house. Nothing to do except the daily routine.
A select handful of friends, some who study abroad, some from work, and some from outside of work.They are quite wonderful people, especially to me. Very understanding and compassionate. However, I do not want to interfere with their lives too much. They have their own lives and things to do, being an inconvenience with automatic words, daily, might be a little bit too much for them.
Perhaps that’s being lost, much like this blog post is waffling, but well – that’s life and experience. I will find myself one day, hopefully – hopefully trying to be more optimistic will help, although I am skeptic. One day, perhaps. Until then, I will struggle through each day and push myself to try and help things.
And there we go, I didn’t think I would ever have the energy to post another post, but I managed to waffle one out with a huge struggle. I got out of bed today, went to work, learned things, I even ate breakfast, and some fruit for lunch. Still haven’t put on much weight like I’m supposed to, but that’s not a great concern at the moment. At least I ate today, unlike yesterday.
So maybe this post helped me to realise with myself that things this week had bonus points – especially the delicious peppermint tea and conversation which I had. It’s a post, which lifts the fog slightly, even thought I didn’t think I could write it. No doubt the shitty feelings will return, but I’ve got a ten minute window in my sleep deprived state, a ten minute window where the OCD won’t piss off with the constant thoughts and panic, but ten minutes in which it has lessened the volume for a moment to let me breathe. Let me write. That in itself is remarkable.
So while things are shit, and I constantly question things, constantly irritate others, constantly isolate, they also have a little silver lining, even if it is 10 minutes out of the 10080 minutes in a week, it’s better than 0 minutes.
I also have good news – Doctor Strange comes out in the UK on Tuesday! You bet that I will be watching it at least two times in a week!