Reflection

Since my post on Monday/Tuesday, I’ve had time to reflect. I’ve had time to dwell in the aftermath of it.

That post was the hardest one I’ve ever written. I discussed various things in the post. I discussed things that were personal to me, I was honest and spoke about things which effected me so deeply that I debated taking the post down only one second after hitting the publish button, and still now – even now that it has been up for a day, I still debate taking it down.

I published the post at 11:59pm on Monday. Or there abouts. I stayed up that night until 3am on Tuesday and, after four hours sleep, I got up for work the next day.

I was terrified, utterly terrified and ashamed of having published the post which I put up. I prepared myself for a day of judgement and for looks of weariness- I even expected for anyone who had read it to avoid me. To stay away – avoid the loon. I expected it and readied myself for it.

It never came.

In fact, the opposite of what I expected came. I mean it when I saw it, I never expected to receive the reaction which I did.

I woke up to a shit load of messages. Truly, a lot of messages. I was so raw and exhausted from the night before that I just lay in bed for an hour before I decided to get up. I hadn’t checked my phone until I truly decided that it was time to get up, and when I did, I was in awe.

I had people messaging me in order to offer comfort, others contacted me in order to express that they had read it and that they hadn’t any idea that I was suffering. I had people send me messages in order to be wonderful and to send all lovely things. A very close friend of mine wrote her own piece on everything and it touched me so deeply that I was lost for words. This stood out to me greatly. I had never had someone write such a wonderful thing, to discuss and inform me of how much our friendship meant to them. I resulted in being lost for words and unable to tell this person how much it meant- how supportive and wonderful it felt to read this piece and for this person to share their thoughts with me. In a way, this offered some clarity, she addressed issues that I wrote about myself – and it made me feel like someone was listening. Was reaching out. I will never be able to express the gratitude and admiration I have for this person, but I want them to know that it is there.

Alongside my friends piece, another thing stood out to me. People reached out. I had a few people message me in order to thank me for using my voice (Or rather, hands) to write about what I was going through. To be honest and face possible judgement and persecution because of my honesty. Fighting the stigma as it were. I don’t really consider these posts anything which could be life changing – which could help anyone. I don’t imagine they would – but to hear that they have helped some people, even if it’s only a handful, it so heart warming to me that I’m slightly speechless as to how to thank these people enough for telling me. I usually think of these posts as my private thoughts, or some posted research which I’ve done, I never considered that they would help someone – and I still don’t. Although, to find out that they have helped some people – whether it being to help them understand or to help them feel comforted about speaking up, well….the feeling is quite amazing actually.

I feel, for the first time outside of appointments, that I have been listened to – that no one is cutting me off and shutting me up before I could finish – or start, speaking. So thank you to those who told me it has helped, and thank you to the readers who have helped me to feel a little better about sharing my thoughts and my voice.

I suppose this post wasn’t really one of relevance in terms of research or what I am going through at the minute. However, it is reflection.

I think reflection is important because it lets us look back on the things we went through at the time and reflect on how we grew from that point in time. It gives us the opportunity to look back, think how we were effected, how we felt during, how we feel now and how that experience has changed you.

It was only a small blog post on a Monday to most people, but to me, it was to decision to say the things I’ve always wanted to say and never have. To say the words which have been trapped inside me and which I’ve never been honest about before. To most people, this is nothing, but to me, it took, and still takes, every inch of me to have that post online. To be so vulnerable. To be so raw and open that it felt like I was in a battlefield without armour on. As if I had a sign hanging over my head which pointed at me in order to be open to attack.

That’s how I felt publishing and writing that post. That’s how I still feel even though it’s up. So raw, so vulnerable.

But you now what? I’m going to keep it up, because even though it was just rambling and upset honesty, it still took a lot out of me to do it.

Writing is a lot harder than it looks, even now, I’m struggling to find the right things to write. I feel for authors of other blogs and books – how they did it, I don’t know. I admire them. They are so creative and well educated that it is difficult not to feel awe as you take in the words. Mines is not like that, however, everyone has read a good book at some point – or read a good something. So think back to that good something that you read and take a moment to appreciate how bloody hard it is to write.

I’m trying something different this week. Or rather, these next three days. I am presenting myself with a 10 day meditation challenge. I am using an app called Headspace which gives you 10 things to listen to (Once you’ve completed this, you can replay it from 1 up to 10 again so you don’t have to buy other guides and you can keep repeating this free guide). Each track takes 10 minutes of your day. If you do one a day, then it is 10 minutes daily for ten days to complete the track.

In this challenge, I am going to try it and then record how I get on with it. Ten minutes daily, listening to the soothing tones of the month in the recorded track. He takes you through the guide and makes (I find) meditating easy, and you can just do it on the sofa with your earphones in.

It sounds a bit monkish, doesn’t it? Well, yeah, but you can do it in the way it comforts you. I sit on my bed – neatly made, and turn the volume up full when everyone else is downstairs. It’s interesting, but in the week leading up to Monday, I read a few things – a school replaced detention with meditation and it seemed to help reduce the anger issues in pupils – especially those who were constantly in detention. Another study found that meditating rebuilds grey matter in the brain in 8 weeks (You have to keep doing it everyday). The link for this study is here: https://www.davidwolfe.com/meditation-rebuilds-brains-gray-matter-in-8-weeks/

I am going to try this 10 day challenge, as well as the 8 week challenge. Then,maybe at the end of it, I will write about how I feel. Perhaps it would be wiser to write after 8 weeks as it is a longer trail time, although, no promises!

This post wasn’t about anything specific, this was more of a thank you to those who reached out and a small reflection and update about what my small plan is to test myself.

Feeling slightly better after meditating today and lets hope I can stick to the 8 week challenge.

If anyone has any suggestions or any questions at all, don’t hesitate to drop a message and talk. Hopefully no or very little darkness tonight though.

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